The Kooky Lamp No One Has — Yet

Where is Susan Sontag when we need her?

I’m allegedly in the middle of a “home refresh.” (Barf.) A phrase that suggests swapping out a throw pillow is as invigorating as a 5-Hour Energy and a hot shower.

Either way, there are some things I want to get rid of/replace, one of which is a lamp. But, without gazillions of dollars to spend on obscure Italian lighting, I’m surfing the same internet destinations as everyone else and confronting the vast expanse of sameness.

I find myself trapped in an endless loop of wanting something different and then realizing that “different” has already been co-opted by the algorithm.

The method to get beyond sameness is to do an about-face into the absurd; what out there is so impossibly weird that it might actually be genius? (I briefly considered, but then decided no to this promotional Viagra mirror.)

But these days, even the fringe/offbeat manages to make it into the mainstream in a matter of hours. Take the corn cob stool — which, for the record, I was never into — but I appreciated its message…for a moment.

Then Urban Outfitters started selling them and Emma Chamberlain (I don’t even know who she is) is talking about her poolside corn stools on AD and I am FILLED WITH TREND CYCLE RAGE!

So I’ve been searching for something ugly — not “Instagram quirky” ugly, but actually, beautifully, uncomfortably ugly. So ugly it fits squarely in the category of “bad taste” — yet remaining camp enough so that others do not question my sanity.

Susan Sontag can offer some insight here. In her 1964 essay, Notes on Camp, she writes:

Camp sees everything in quotation marks. It’s not a lamp, but a “lamp”; not a woman, but a “woman.”

So, we are looking for a “lamp”. Lo and behold I find this lamp on Etsy (for less than $100) with the description “Vintage French Vallauris Sea Themed Lamp”:

It’s giving “a 9-year old made this” x “Barb and Star’s souvenir from Vista Del Mar.” The name “Vallauris” sounds familiar. Google tells me Vallauris is a region in Southern France with a deep history of pottery and ceramic production. Aha! — Robert Picault. And now I’m verrrrry interested. I find more and more of these kitschy lamps, which were produced through the 1950s to ‘70s…

Here’s one for $130:

Another for $98:

Things only get uglier from here…

eBay also offers some unique versions of these lamps, all for mostly under $200.

There’s this exceptionally gaudy ocean scene:

Or perhaps this maritime orgy of tropical fish suits your fancy:

And then.

AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN.

AAAAANNNNNND THENNNNNNNNNNNN.

While hitting up my sources for an upcoming issue of Good Schmutz, I find the following, for $1,150, listed at a “design studio” and “Los Feliz shop I like, but c’mon, your prices are out of my league”:

In the pursuit of ugliness, I have met my roadblock, knowing that somewhere out there, someone has paid over one thousand dollars (aka SOLD OUT) for a Vallauris lamp, therefore rendering my act of rebellion just another rung on the ladder of taste inflation.

I am happy to report that I have acquired this same lamp for less than the cost of my gas bill. And in the future, I may come to resent it if it enters the mainstream.

But for now, my purchase is, unquestionably, a “lamp.”

It had to be done:

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Schmatta is written by Leonora Epstein, a former shelter pub editor-in-chief. Follow at @_leonoraepstein and @schmattamag. For consulting and collab requests, get in touch at leonoraepstein at gmail.